found the other keg... it's in the tree
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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