there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize