dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
