dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
