Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I looked at my own cervix.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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