My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
