Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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