Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize
