I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
