party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
