When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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