Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
