I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
