my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize