y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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