WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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