I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
