Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
