i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
