1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
FUCK WHALES
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
