my vag is so smooth its legendary
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize