last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
