Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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