Soap is not a condiment
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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