mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
