I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
