I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
