hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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