I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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