I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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