he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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