Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize