What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
