Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
