All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
