I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
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