We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
