i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
