I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
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