All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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