where am i from again
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
