Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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