I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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