Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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