Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
