so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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