My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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