Just fell off a train. Bad.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
We left the knife in your bed.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
