I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
