I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
They took my balls.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
