Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
