i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
