he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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