I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
