No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
