No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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