finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
