Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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