Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
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