You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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